I Can't Do This Homeschooling Life
Wednesday, June 8, 2011 at 12:00AM
What do you do when you just want to call it quits and send them all to school? *sigh* When it all feels fruitless and frustrating? And your house is a mess? And you fight the same battles over and over and sometimes you just wish they were gone all day? How do you be honest about this struggle without a tongue-lashing from all the homeschool moms who "have it all together"?
~Julie
♥
Julie, I totally get it. One of the things that I think makes it so tough to "grin and bear it" is the homeschooling community's tendancy to make everything look so shiny and pretty. This is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Period. Do I have to polish it all up and pretend everything is smooth?
You've asked several questions in there, and in an attempt to not skirt over the deeper stuff you are asking, I'm going to take them one by one.
First, what to do when I feel like throwing in the towel and sending them all to school... I cry. I vent. I text my homeschooling girlfriends and tell them what a buzzkill this is (my friend Caroline texted that to me once and now we send each other "Homeschooling is such a buzzkill!" messages every now and again :D). I lay my head on my husband's shoulder and tell him how hard this is. I pray. I go to bed early, and hope I get up the next morning with a better attitude and a renewed vision.
Those are small things, but they can help. So can chocolate. At the root, though, I have to ask myself why we are doing what we're doing. If I can be reminded of our original vision, it helps.
But more importantly, and arching over all the little things that might help in the moment, is the realization that I am accepted. Loved. ♥ I have a value, a purpose, a worth, and an identity in something other than homeschooling, my children, my marriage, and my home. This is the Gospel: living in the overflow and abundance of the love of God changes everything, every time.
And so when you ask what to do when it all feels fruitless and frustrating? I go back to the Gospel. Is it fruitless and frustrating because I am bearing a yoke that isn't put there by Christ? Then I'm not living in the overflow and abundance of the love of God.
What about when the house is a mess? Yes, this drives me insane. I can't do clutter. Tonight as I write this I am recovering from some crummy 24-hour bug that overtook me just as my husband and I were driving back into town after being gone for a few days. The house was a mess because we weren't here for two days, and then I've been in bed and cleaning up other people's flu yuck for a day.
As I was starting yet another load of flu towels, I thought, "Tomorrow we'll go room by room and tackle the mess." That's all. A good night's sleep, a plan of attack, and the realization that my identity isn't wrapped up in a clean house. I'm going back to the Gospel.
Fighting the same battles over and over? Yes. Like Paul, who said, "I always do what I don't want to do and don't do what I want to do". Selah. I like Paul. He didn't feel the need to make things shiny and polished because he understood what it was to live in the overflow and abundance of God's grace. He understood the Gospel.
If the battles are mine, I lay them at the foot of the cross. I remember where my identity lies (in Christ's finished work, not mine). And I move forward.
If the battles are my children's, well then we take them one battle at a time, filling in the cracks with as much laughter and light and fun and GRACE as possible. But only because of (guess what I'm going to say?) the Gospel.
As for all the homeschooling moms who have it "all together"? Well, I don't bother to share my struggles with them. I choose friends who also know the utter freedom and joy of living in the overflow and abundance of God's grace, mercy, and love, and we'll continue to text each other funny little truths, vents, and encouragements. I know those girls are praying for me, and I know they know where my identity lies.
Reader Comments (21)
Preach it sister!
This was a great response!
Really, I just want to encourage your reader that NO homeschooling mother has it all together, although some come pretty close! ;) Seriously, there have been some observers through the years that actually thought I "had it all toogether." (whatever that means!) But, I knew differently! I saw all of my faults, failures and shortcomings. You see, we tend to look at ourselves with a magnifying glass and at others with rose colored glasses! We see a few things that some other homeschoooling mom is doing well, and assume she has every area perfectly covered. We all excel at some things and struggle with others. For me, every time I've thought I might be getting a hang of juggling everything . . . . my plates all crashed around my feet! Then, I started picking them up one at a time and proceeded to try to master juggling once again.
I now have two adult daughters living on their own and working full time. They both Love and Serve God and others and are still waiting for God to bring them a godly husband. I have two sons in college and one son finishing out his education in a Christian school. I also have 5 children still homeschooling (ages 6 to 15). I have a better view than I did twenty years ago. I would encourage all mothers to Relax more, Enjoy your children more, Savor your time together. Worry less about everything -- the house, the academics, etc. It all gets done somehow.
They grow up So Fast!!! You won't be able to teach them everything they need to know -- but if you give them the tools they need, they have a lifetime to learn it all! You won't be a perfect Mom -- you'll make mistakes. But God says that when we are weak, He is strong! Let Him cover your mistakes and weaknesses! Just err on the side of Grace! Your children won't be perfect when they leave your home, but God will perfect that which concerns them. He will finish the work He begins in you and in them!!!
One more thing -- your children are best off in your home, even if you don't get all the school work done! We moved to a new house this past fall and my kids have spent some time with the public schooled kids across the street. THey are fairly nice kids, go to church, etc. But their views, attitudes, values, etc. have been a SHOCK to my children and persuaded them like nothing else could that they were BLESSED to be homeschooled!!
I apologize for writing a post of my own as a comment on your blog! LOL! My heart just goes out to Discouraged, down-trodden homeschooling Moms. I've been there! Lift up your head Sister!!! Do not grow weary in well-doing -- you will reap what you have sown in due season!!!
Thank you for not posting a bunch of "to dos" but instead pointing us to the TRUE source of help- Christ seen in the Gospels!
Go Julie!
Way to ask THE question! Sing it Kenj!
Homeschooling is such a mind game. We have to talk about it or we might crack. It is not my identity! (How often are we introduced "Meet Dana and she homeschools all her kids!") Jesus is! And we will rock this life together. Two days ago I survived to live another 48 hours. I just had to make it. But I rocked it! Jesus and me. Binder paper stuck to a sticky floor, snot on my running shorts and all.
It's all by grace. I mean who am I anyway to try to do this without my Lord? More importantly, who am I to lay any burdens on anyone else?
We have had two situations:
Our oldest is from my first marriage so her schooling decisions were always made with my ex-husband. I was a ding-dong parent for a while and I used to fight with him because I was holding up the homeschooling distinctive as the end all and be all. I was spiritually blind and I thought that if I homeschooled her I could save her. Ummm,..no!!! Jesus is the only one that saves. Homeschooling will not save.
We have four other children, there was a season (half a year) when we put our second oldest in a classical Christian school. We made this decision because of major health issues I was having and her education was going by the wayside. We know that God blessed our effort and we gained much from that experience. We have also done a co-op and will be doing mostly co-op next year for this particular child.
There are many ways to educate your children, there is no one size fits all. The most important thing we found is always holding Christ ABOVE educational choices. And always holding Christ above our feelings of inadequacy and frustration. Whatever type of schooling we choose as parents we need to always remember that the Lord will strengthen us and equip us for what HE has called us to. It's all Him.
Loved this gospel centered post. It really is about returning to the gospel each time no matter what it is. I have so been there with Julie and apprecaite your real approach. And NObody has it all together but Jesus!
Thank you. Thank you, thank you for posting this today. it is exactly where I am right now. I have five children six and under (one being 11 weeks old) and I feel like my head is banging against a wall. How is it, that I need to be REMINDED of the Gospel? Thank you!
Oh, Natasha, we lived in forgetfulness for too many years. Would you like to hear a ten-minute testimony of our own "Gospel Amnesia"? Click here: http://www.themangotimes.com/themt/2011/5/4/themtpodcast-gospel-amnesia.html
~Kendra
"As I was starting yet another load of flu towels, I thought, "Tomorrow we'll go room by room and tackle the mess." That's all. A good night's sleep, a plan of attack, and the realization that my identity isn't wrapped up in a clean house."
Loved this thought. There are plenty of seasons in life when we know just what we need to do, but can't get to it. Everyone has a messy house sometimes. If we cook, we have messy dishes. Unless we live in a magazine (and no one does) we get spots on the carpet. Being willing to let it go and get the sleep we need is GREAT advice!
We all feel overwhelmed at this huge task of homeschooling but Praise God- in our weakness He is strong! It is far better to be weak in Christ than strong on our own. Amen?
Blessings,
Rebecca
Thanks for this! I have almost signed my kids up for public school a couple of times. But then I realized that I'd miss them and needed to rely upon the Lord for my strength, not myself! Great reminder!
The most important thing I've read this year was C. J. Mahaney's advice to "preach the gospel" to myself every single day. I love it when other gals preach it to me, too! Thanks!
Thank you. I really needed to hear this.
I have a question maybe you have pondered before. What is the fine line between being "real" and complaining? I find myself thinking about that a lot lately as we are in a hard season right now. Any thoughts, Kendra? I appreciate your blog. Been following for years....4 or 5 maybe? Gleaned so much wisdom from you. Thanks!
Thanks for this post. It is so encouraging to know I am not the only one. And so refreshing to be pointed back to Jesus again and again.
Not only this post, but many of your past posts also, have been ringing this same message in my ears lately. I have told my husband over and over in the past few weeks how much I don't want to homeschool, and yet we don't have other options we like. And we still feel homeschooling is right for us, but I don't really like it right now. So I am clinging to Jesus. I need Him. I need Him to help me every day.
I so appreciate you sharing your heart and the gospel with us!
good stuff!!
Brandi- It's a fine line. I don't have a clear answer. Do you know in your heart, because of the Holy Spirit, when you are complaining? I usually get a little twitch in my spirit and I know I must repent and be thankful instead. I do know it is ok to voice frustration, disappointment, and struggles. We women often need to just hear ourselves say something and then we can move on.
Angela, do you get to take the summer off? Usually at the beginning of summer I want NOTHING to do with homeschooling. Ironic, because I usually end up speaking at a few homeschooling conferences and I think, "Oh, man, and I don't even *feel* like homeschooling this year..." :D
But come September (we start late), I'm usually ready to go. These are particularly hard years for me, with two high schoolers, a jr. higher, two elementary schoolers, a pre-schooler, and a very busy delayed 3yo. We are using some outside sources this year (friend is teaching alegbra, older boys are enrolled in a hybrid school where they'll attend some classes and the rest at home) because I need the help. But we haven't had those options ever before. Our oldest graduated having done everything at home or online.
All that to say that it's totally ok to not feel like it. My husband goes through seasons of, "I don't want to be a dentist". It's just the nature of running the race, I think.
Great question and superb answer. As I've just graduated my first kiddo (whoop!), I sometimes hear comments from newer moms that I have "it" together. I don't, but I am more confident, and that has come through experience.
To me there are two prongs to homeschooling: one is education, the other, relationships. Relationships are painful and frustrating, but essential. Education, being task-oriented, is simpler although not easy.
I've had dear friends who have thrown in the homeschooling towel (usually b/c of the education prong but one family b/c of relationships) and they have seen their children thrive academically in either public or private schools. But they'd be the first to tell you, the relationship side was much, much harder b/c the frustration remains - just packaged differently - and you as the parent have less time and fewer daily tools to work those difficulties out. (Harder, but not impossible.)
And I completely agree with Kendra about having accepting friends. If I confided my frustration to a person who then gave me a tongue-lashing, then I'd have to believe that person is dealing with her own insecurities and not trying to help me. There is a place for correction among friends, but only prayerfully and carefully and gracefully administered. I've learned not to accept that type of opinion or judgement because it is so unwisely and rashly given.
Just my .02 cents worth!
Bridgette, that was excellent. Thank you! I've always said I'd rather fold the laundry than deal with inter-personal issues. Homemaking is the easy part; cultivating relationships is hard work!
Thank you so much for this post. And thank you Julie for posing the question! I find it very hard as the people around me at this time are of the opinion that I should simply "go with my feelings and put the children into school" because I would have "more time for myself" and "less to deal with". Hmmm...well that's not my goal! With 5 children aged 7 and under and number 6 due at the end of July, I need support and strategies. I have found the internet to be a blessing in that regard. It networks me with like-minded, Christ-minded people. It's so good to be reminded to go to the Gospel; to go to the Lord, who is able to provide everything I need. I will say I am very blessed that my husband allows me to vent to him and cry on his shoulder - and then he encourages me and gently pushes me back into the ebbs and 'throes' of home education once again :)
Thank-you once again Kendra, for pointing me back to the Gospel - and for keeping it REAL!
Best homeschooling thing I've read lately! thanks so much for this!