Living By Whose Standards?
Monday, October 17, 2011 at 12:00AM 
My husband and I are a few seasons behind watching House. It's a series we both enjoy, not the least of the reasons being Hugh Laurie's witty and complicated rendering of Dr. Gregory House. When we've been hovering over very sick children in the hospital, we've often joked, "Where's House when you need him?" But he is very, very flawed as a human, no? So am I.
Anyway, recently on the show hospital director Dr. Lisa Cuddy has just passed a home inspection required for her pending adoption of a baby. The house looks like a new baby lives there, with bottles on the table, laundry left unfolded, and a tired mom unready for the unexpected early visit by the social worker. She passes the inspection, but nevertheless she is very disappointed with herself.
"I passed by their meager standards but I failed by my own", she laments. It was at that point that my husband paused the show and turned to look at me. I said, "Rewind that!" That quote could have come straight out of my mouth.
How many times do we set up standards for ourselves that we cannot possibly meet and then feel like total failures? In what areas do you see yourself setting markers that only you are deeming necessary? Ivy-league prep homeschooling for the kids, gourmet meals three times a day, all the laundry done at the end of every day, a perfectly kept home, a bountiful and carefully maintained yard, squeaky clean cars, birthday cards mailed on time, scrapbooks up to date, a checkbook always balanced, the ideal weight, creative date nights, volunteer duties done on time and better than the person who held the position before you... and I could just go on and on.
And then ask, Whose standards matter most?
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Proverbs 4:23
Reader Comments (13)
Thank you for being so real, and always pointing right back to the One and only.
kendra.....
i can't tell you how this post blessed me today. as a mommy walking thorugh premenopausal depression, homeschooling 5 kids, and trying to wear the many other hats that us mommy's juggle, i can easily fal into the comparison trap--looking at how so-and-so manages to get it all done, etc. but i needed to hear this. needed to be reminded that at the end of the day, if my kids have been fed, laundry washed, and their souls fed as well, then it's been a successful day in the eyes of God.....because it's his opinion that really matters anyway.
love, love, love your blog! it's gotten me though the past few years of crazy preschool training and homeschooling! you're a gem!
patty
Good post, good reminder! Our standards (and even well meaning friends' standards) may not be God's standards for me. I feel like a good mom would prepare gourmet meals, but that's not feasible right now. Hooray for canned tomato soup!
Thank you, Patty. You are a huge encouragement. I have something going on physically right now- not sure what, but I am drained and exhausted every day. I tend toward anemia, so it's probably as simple as that, but BOY does it affect everything else, including my ability to cope. I can't do anything, but HE can.
Catherine- YES!
What a wonderful reminder! I am a self-proclaimed, recovering perfectionist. Each day (with the Lord's help), I am finding joy in each thing I do... even if it isn't perfect. The joy is in getting "something" done. Perfectionism has robbed me of doing many things, for fear of doing it wrong. Your post and your blog are a wonderful encouragement to me.
Kendra, I am considering homeschooling my children...your site, which I just discovered, is part of my "research" :) I cannot even imagine having 8 children! I'm encouraged by your thoughts on perfectionism. I think perfectionism runs in our veins because God's perfect law is written on our hearts. My idealist expectations remind me that I was created by a perfect God, that He really does demand perfection in our obedience to Him, and because I cannot obey Him perfectly, I need Jesus who did it for me. Keep writing!
Hi Brenda, and welcome! There is a lot of help on this site, so don't hesitate to ask!
Wow! This one hit home. What a snob I am to set my standards so high for myself and think that anything else is meager. I can have grace for other's, kind words of encouragement that they are doing enough, but what for myself? Do I think I am somehow better than that? Ooo. Not good. There is no freedom in that. And that steps right on the gospel message. Love you for pointing this one out! Need to sweat this one. Hugs!
Hey Kendra, boy is this timely. This was the topic of our last woman's group study. It was a chapter called "The Perfect Mom Syndrome" in a book entitled "Women Counseling Women, Biblical Answers to Life's Difficult Problems" Elyse Fitzpatrick is the general editor. We talked about this exact issue, and we also talked about how many Christians live defeated lives because we're afraid to be real about our weaknesses and sins so we just hide how "imperfect" we are and pretend we're meeting some standard. Anyway, I can go on but you get the idea. It's just been about a year now that I've started being comfortable in my own skin, so to speak. I just want to live my life for the Lord and I want to stop worrying about whether I'm checking off all the "right" boxes. I also think the Lord calls us to different things through the varying seasons of our lives, this is very important to remember as women.
I wanted to point out that this doesn't mean we just let everything go and we stop doing our best or stop caring about the duties the Lord has put before us. Usually, someone is bound to think that's what we're saying, but we're not. We're just saying that we need to stop being perfectionists. Geoff's usual advice to me at times like this is "don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good." He's absolutely right! I spent too many years letting the perfect be the enemy of the good. Doug Wilson has this statement that I also like, he says "God is perfect, but he's not a perfectionist." :-)
Good post Kendra.
"God is perfect, but he's not a perfectionist." That's spot on. Luma, you know our journey and how similar it was to yours. Transparency got us disdain, disapproval, and judgment. Now being in a place where we're allowed to be people who regularly blow it but are loved, accepted, and given value because Jesus has given us value is such a freedom like no other. We can't be perfect. We can't pull ourselves up by our bootstraps, and there isn't a thing we can DO to be any better/more worthy/more accepted/more pleasing to God. Jesus has done it all, in our place. In awe and gratitude, I just want to follow Him. And I know I'll never be perfect at anything, but HE is!
I believe perfectionism has two roots. One is that we are bound and determined to bring something to our salvation and/or God's continuing approval of us, because we can't believe that Christ has it ALL covered. And the other is that we have to keep up with the (Christian) Jones'...no, we have to stay a step ahead. If their issue is music, we'd better be listening to more Godly music than they are. If their issue is homeschooling, then we'd better use a more God-soaked curriculum than they do. If their issue is modesty, then we'd better wear burqas. But if their issue is freedom in Christ, then we'd better run the other way. Thank you, Kendra, for your continuing transparency and your steady journey in the direction of the fresh ocean breeze of God's lavish grace for yourself and for all of us. May He be glorified.
Please, Kendra. Write a book! I'd buy it!!! ;)
Exactly Kendra! Honest to goodness I have found that I can be more obedient and faithful to the Lord in my walk as a Christian woman when I'm not wrapped up in all the "right" things I'm supposed to be doing. I LOVE what Tchividjian says about how we actually get better when we stop trying to get better. I have come to believe that when we stop the striving of our own "work" and in utter submission admit our failing to God, that is when the Holy Spirit really starts manifesting itself in our lives. I think all that "doing" quenches the Holy Spirit, but when we stop and submit He works more mightily in us. I have had so many people tell us the difference they see in our children and in our family. They see a real palpable change. They tell us they are seeing real joy and peace in our children and in our family and that is definitely the fruit of the Spirit. More on all this later my friend.... By the way, there's a post I've been meaning to write and I think I'll link to this post because it's right on the money.