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Do Hard Things- Helping the Older Ones See the Beauty of Servanthood
By Kendra | September 29, 2008
My question is: how do I get my older children to not grumble about having to take turns playing with my preschooler while I homeschool? They grumble about making lunch for their younger sisters at times too.
Thank you, and congratulations on little Joe!
Beth
Hi Beth-
Recently I asked my husband about how to admonish one of our teen children. He (the child) is 500% more logical than I am, and it seems every conversation was a battle of wits for which I am ill-equipped. My husband said, “Turn to Scripture. The bottom line is, if God said it, he has to obey it. If the Holy Spirit isn’t prompting him, then all the arguing in the world won’t change his heart.”
Teens love to test the waters. And even if we have an excellent relationship with them, they will often grumble when they don’t want to do something and argue their point to the death. For my son, his logical spin on everything is both a front-sided strength and a back-sided weakness; he is headed to law school to study Constitutional Law. His tenacity and love for rhetoric and debate will serve him well in that capacity, but in the meantime he also needs to learn when to turn it off and just be a servant to those around him.
When appealing to your older children, turn to Scripture. Don’t beat them over the head with it, but simply remind them that, “He who is greatest in My kingdom is the servant of all.”
You might want to pick up a copy of Do Hard Things, as well. My boys have been really challenged by the book, although it has been a slow and steady influence (I was hoping they’d read it and then -BAM!- be the hardest workers on the block!). The Holy Spirit’s timing is never the same as mine 
~Kendra
Topics: Resources | 14 Comments »
September 29th, 2008 at 1:17 am
Kendra,
Great advice, thank you for sharing your wisdom,
Angela
September 29th, 2008 at 4:10 am
I love this post! Another beautiful blessing of homeschool. Addressing the heart issues from a biblical perspective. Seeing my older ones grow in this area has been a precious thing.
September 29th, 2008 at 7:14 am
This is a really timely topic for me!! I don’t have teens, but an older child that wants to have attitude all the time about anything I ask her to do.. and thinks of herself first ALLLL the time! And has a really bad case of the “I am entitled to” and fill in the blank attitude too…
I have to tell you, as a mom that is huge on gratitude and helping others, this breaks my hearts. I have been asking the Lord to show me how to train this up and help her…
One thing that He did show me that I just started last week… I have started to have her teach her little sister and read to her everyday…LOL!! She is responsible for teaching her a new shape and letter everyday, as well as reading a book that her little sister picks out.
Oh and another thing I started was, she does get an allowance every week for completing all her daily chores. I had a talk with her about how in life, attitude is EVERYTHING! Jesus wants us to do everything as unto Him with a merry heart…. AND to implement this, I told her, “every time I have to tell you to get your attitude in check, I am taking $.25 from your allowance”…
And, I have to tell ya, I was really happy with what I saw last week. I am still praying for her and have been asking the Lord to bring “revelation moments” into her life… and to change her heart…. but Momma is helping a little with some “servant” time everyday too
September 29th, 2008 at 7:30 am
Kendra,
Since you brought it up… :0) I have a question.
I grew up as a homeschooler and had lots of friends who were homeschooled, many with large families (large like 10, 11 kids). I saw so many of those older children serving their families, helping with the younger ones, filling in the gaps homeschooling and cooking and cleaning while mom was sick with the pregnancies, etc. Most of the girls I was friends with who were the older children in those families are determined to only have 2 or 3 children themselves, as they look back on that time as hard and chaotic and overwhelming. These girls have not left the faith, are in church, homeschooling, etc. but DO NOT want a large family.
Where is the balance? I know our older ones need to learn servanthood, but where should parents draw the line in what they ask them to do? I feel, sometimes, as I watch moms with older kids (usually girls) that those moms delegate a lot of the mothering roles to those girls, that they have the responsibility and burden of parenting and running a household when they are young, and their opportunities to be lighthearted girls who have opportunities to be creative and dream are few.
I hope I am making sense. I am not saying that daughters should not be able to run a house by the time they leave home, or that time to play and dream are all-important, but as my oldest children are still young enough that this isn’t happening to me yet, I wanted your advice as I think through these things. I don’t want my oldest children to look back on their last years at home as overwhelming and horrible.
I’m sorry for the long comment. Thank you again for your willingness to take the time to advise those of us coming behind you.
Kathleen
September 29th, 2008 at 7:42 am
Kathleen-
I hear you loud and clear, and I am in complete agreement with you. Someone else once asked me about this, and I responded this way (cutting and pasting here ’cause I’m too lazy to rewrite my thoughts):
Years ago when we were just beginning our journey (we had maybe two children), I attended church with a friend where a really large family also attended. When they entered the sanctuary, at least four of the older daughters had a younger sibling assigned to them in a front pack. Different than a daughter or son asking to tote a little one around, these girls were obviously unhappy about the constant assignments, as they often had to miss family events because it was “their responsibility” to watch that particular younger sibling. Mom flitted about the church building socializing freely.
What my friend and I observed in that family (and in several others since) are older siblings who begrudgingly instead of joyfully serve their families by watching a younger sibling. These are the kids who will (and have) grow up to say, “I’m never having kids! I raised my younger siblings already!”
So while I love it when my kids beg to hold the baby or get a little one up from a nap, and while I delight in seeing my 15yo tickle and chase the 4yo around as she squeals in delight (she also runs to him when he gets home and says, “Hi Best Buddy!”), and while we do ask them to help in other ways with younger siblings, ultimately WE are the parents.
Last night we went out to a movie, just the two of us. The kids had made plans for themselves to enjoy each other while we were gone, and instead of feeling leashed to the responsibility of raising younger siblings, they are happy to help.
Every family is different. But for us, some of the choices we’ve made are to not make an older sibling change a dirty diaper if I’m available, not require them to be disciplinarians (in fact, we discourage it when we are home), and not assign them to a younger sibling unless we’re in public and need the extra eyes.
This has worked well for us. Our older ones seem happy to help out. The boys get the younger girls their plates of food at the church potluck, and they’re happy to do it. They grab necessary baby items for me when we’re headed out the door, strap the baby in the car seat, feed him, play with him, and enjoy the younger ones.
When I see an older daughter (mostly daughters, sometimes sons) sigh and roll their eyes behind their mother’s back when assigned to a younger sibling, I see a red flag. I just don’t want to go there.
~Kendra
September 29th, 2008 at 8:34 am
Thank you. That makes a lot of sense, and I think helps us as parents of large (or someday large!) families stay the parents and lets our kids stay the kids. “…Mom flitted about the church building socializing freely.” is my concern exactly, and the one that really rubs me wrong. I think it also gives large families a bad stigma, as a lot of people really feel sorry for those older kids and resent the parents over-delegation. The older girls feel trapped, knowing they need to serve their family and loving their mom and wanting to help, but really feeling overburdened.
Okay, I am done! Don’t want to soap box. Must train those olders to be self-sacrificing, and I agree with your post. We all need to develop that in our families.
K
September 29th, 2008 at 10:37 am
Kendra,
Great wisdom, here [Andy!]. I watched my mom struggle with that strength in one of my little brothers (who could “win” in any debate/argument/disagreement), and often left my mom floundering. I’ll remember this for when my kids are older!
~Stacy
September 29th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
I’m always so blessed to visit you here, Kendra!
Thank you for your perseverance and the blessing you are to all of us. This “little” ministry of yours (for that is what it is!) has meant so much to me these last years, and I thank you my Sister!
xo
September 29th, 2008 at 7:19 pm
The latest issue of No Greater Joy addresses this very subject. http://www.nogreaterjoy.org. The article is called Cloistered Homeschool Syndrome.
~Kelly
September 29th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
Wonderful wisdom here, thank you for sharing Kendra.
I have been shocked lately as I find myself arguing with my 7.5yr old son and I realize that I am loosing. The balance between being humble enough to be wrong sometimes, keep my authority and call him to humility also is COMPLEX!
But you are right, God’s Word is where absolute truth is found.
September 30th, 2008 at 11:34 am
Good food for thought. I’ll have to check out that book.
I’ve been thinking of going back to “For Instruction in Righteousness” for a review and convenient list of verses for this kind of thing. Now I have a renewed vision for doing so…
Enjoy them,
ali
October 3rd, 2008 at 5:42 pm
Thanks Kendra for this! Its timely for me also. I have a 12yo DS that is also more logical than me and has been since he could negotiate. He (hindsight) derailed me lots of times in my rules, because basically, his ideas made more sense. It wasn’t rebellion then, but now, man, I have created a very sticky wicket! He now thinks he is equal to us. And to top it off, I am not a creative discipliner. I think I will check out some of the books that you recommend, but also, as your husband put it (SO poignantly) to search Scripture. It spoke to me on a deep level, and I appreciate your time with this blog!!
Blessings!
Renee
October 4th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
[...] Kendra has a great post on helping our children become cheerful servants in our home. [...]
October 7th, 2008 at 7:17 am
Thank you Kendra for this valuable bit of advice that I will be practicing hence forth. I have a 12 almost 13yr old son who is flexing his debating muscles. Sometimes saying “I said so” just doesn’t cut it anymore…but to say “God said so” (w/o being to dogmatic of course) carries weight.
I will also be picking up the book you mentioned.
P.S. Won’t be long ’til you will need to rename your blog Preschoolers, Preteens and Peace! LOL.