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Am I Short-Changing My Children?
By Kendra | January 6, 2010
Kendra,
Wondering if you would be willing to comment on how to spend enough time with younger children while schooling older kids?
I am a scheduler and use a modified version of MOTH. That helps. But this year I am dealing with one in middle school (he is self-motivated but his school day is pretty full), one in 5th who should be fairly independent by now but isn’t (dyslexic), a 3rd grader who is somewhat delayed but quickly catching up (still requires a lot of one-on-one though), and a very motivated K’er who would school all day long if I had the time to give her. Plus a high-strung three-year-old (we’re working on it), and a laid-back one-year-old who I am afraid gets a little too lost in the mix.
My bottom line problem is that no matter what schedule I work out, I feel someone is getting short-changed. Sometimes I focus more on my little ones, doing the fun things with them that I used to do with my older kids when they were little — reading lots of stories and swinging and going on walks. But then my older kids don’t seem to get the one-on-one that they really need, especially my dyslexic child. On the other hand, if I focus on the older kids, then I begin to feel that I am doing nothing but moving the younger kids from one pre-planned activity to the next without any good, nurturing momma time.
I would love some advice on how to balance all this. I feel like I have two separate groups of kids who need two different kinds of mommies/teachers. I know God called me to this, and is sovereign and not surprised or befuddled about what to do. That is comforting, but I feel so bad that I can’t seem to be what my kids need from day to day.
Any thoughts? Sorry this is so long.
Jenn
♥
Hi Jenn-
The truth is, you really do have two sets with two different needs, and even within those sets there is such a variety of needs that it feels impossible to keep every plate spinning, doesn’t it?
I feel the same way you do, but I do remind myself (and try to press in closely to hear the Holy Spirit on this subject) that in God’s perfect Sovereignty and plan, those needs are being met because He is meeting them and I will never be able to anyway.
I know adults who were without siblings who feel that their parents couldn’t be all things to them. And the truth is, we can’t. I used to think I could meet all the needs and wants, but not only can I not, I don’t believe it would serve my children well if I did.
Sometimes I’ll hear an older child say something to the affect that if there were no little ones, they could do more things. They have friends without young siblings who seem to have more opportunities than they do. But I remind them that the little ones don’t get to do all the things I used to do with the older ones when they were little- we can’t go to Story Time at the library regularly or Mc Donald’s play place for lunch anymore.
I also point out that a lot of the joy in our family comes from the hilarity the little ones provide and that they will miss it terribly when they move on in their own lives. The little guys are dually blessed by the older kids- piggyback rides, special playtimes, lots of attention, and someone to get them what they need when Mom isn’t available.
Some days I feel I haven’t spent a ton of time with the little guys, but then I scoop them up and sit them on the counter while I’m making dinner, have a little conversation about their world, and suddenly they know how much their Mama adores them.
~Kendra
Topics: Educating at Home, Life with Preschoolers, Nurturing Moms | 27 Comments »
January 6th, 2010 at 6:38 am
Your posts are always so timely. I feel overwhelmed many days with the responsibility of managing our home with the children aged 9,7,5,3, and 1, and then being a loving, submissive wife to my husband when I am spent by the end of the day. I forget that he needs me just like they need me. I must rely on the Lord for His strength is made perfect in my weakness.
January 6th, 2010 at 6:39 am
Jenn- I just wanted to share with you that I often feel the same way, that I am not giving enough dedicated time to each child. And I only have 2 kids! So you are not alone in the feeling, I guess it is just part of being a mom that you always want to be doing more, no matter how much you are already doing!
Also, I wanted to share an idea with you that you might consider looking for a tutor, like an elementary teacher or another homeschooling mom with experience teaching kids with dyslexia. Having someone come over occasionally would allow your 5th grader to get some extra specialized attention while freeing up a bit of your time for the littles. You might even be able to work it out as a babysitting swap if you work with another mom.
Hang in there, and remember to pat yourself on the back sometimes for all you are doing, don’t just focus on shortcomings!
January 6th, 2010 at 8:32 am
“I must rely on the Lord for His strength is made perfect in my weakness.”
Yes! Exactly! And I am so very weak. If nothing else, this is what being a mother of many has taught me.
January 6th, 2010 at 9:56 am
Sorry but I have a question: I purchased your MP3 download and book on Circle Time…I did print out your book; however, I misplaced it!
Is it still able for me to print? Is there a time limit? If so…that’s ok…never hurts to ask! Thanks! And my apologies! (It was 10/14/09 I believe!)
January 6th, 2010 at 10:19 am
Diana-
No problem. It’s on its way!
~Kendra
January 6th, 2010 at 10:22 am
Ooops, I take that back. Which email did you purchase it with? I can’t find it to resend it.
Thanks-
Kendra
January 6th, 2010 at 10:22 am
I feel this way a lot, too.
Kendra, you are so wise to point out that God is busy meeting the needs of our children and we can’t do it anyway. (Amen to that!)
Some of my children are obvious when they need a little more mama-time than they’re getting, but I don’t always see it.
This is a good reminder for me to pray for discernment; to ask God to direct me to the things He wants me to focus on each day. He knows what the needs of each child is, and can then direct me to the one (or create an opportunity with that one that I might not have set aside time for) who is especially needy that day.
I love your words too, Kendra- about your older children: that “a lot of the joy in our family comes from the hilarity the little ones provide.” That’s so true, isn’t? They are such a delight and provide such wonderful built-in entertainment.
Love to you, Kendra…
Thank you for having this little place on the internet to encourage mothers. You do it well.
January 6th, 2010 at 10:41 am
I think this issue is the hardest one I deal with as a mom of 10. My oldest has moved out on his own, but of course still calls me and wants his time with my undivided attention. He usually doesn’t pick the most convenient time for me!! I think he sometimes forgets what it’s like around here! LOL!
I have kids in 9th, 6th, 5th, 3rd, 2nd, 1st, K4, and a 3 yr old, in addition to a 19 yr old who still lives at home. I am really struggling with giving everyone attention.
This has been the focus of my prayer life for a couple weeks now. I have finally come down to the basics for school for a while-math, reading, and a writing assignment(handwriting for the youngers) each day. They can read nature books and other things on their own. The biggers can read to the youngers when I am working with someone else, and I am hoping to keep everybody busy.
It is SUCH a juggling act. But, as an only child myself, I wouldn’t trade this life for an easier one. Less kids would mean quieter, yes, but it would also mean a lot less kisses and hugs, and not as many little people to make happy with a surprise ice cream run to Sonic!! No thank you!
Dawn
January 6th, 2010 at 11:03 am
Or…”The little guys are dually blessed by the older kids-” …in that they help the little ones when they have a certain problem (ahem) in the middle of the night. LOL : )
Love your response to the question. : )
January 6th, 2010 at 11:04 am
You blessed my day! Thanks Kendra.
January 6th, 2010 at 11:08 am
True, Carmen, true!
January 6th, 2010 at 11:57 am
This post was wonderful to read today. We started a new year two days ago. I haven’t made a schedule because I wanted to see what it was that everyone seemed to need most. LOL!!! Nothing has changed though. They all need ME most.
I have begun to remind my oldest dd when she complains about time being short with me she needs to redefine “time” with mom. She, her 7 yod sister, and I finished cleaning the kitchen right after lunch while the boys ran off to play. I consider that time together because we talk and laugh together. She still has trouble seeing that is “time” with me though because she is the one I played games with, read to, took places, etc. more than anyone else in the family. The next two after her did get some of that but not as much.
I have decided that this year I will be taking my little ones to story time. We have a brand new library just a few blocks from our house. They are going to take their independent work to the library while I serve my Littles.
I am really glad to have found this post today. I am expecting #7 and have pondered at times how I will meet all needs, especially since I feel so inadequate to do this ministry. But I am very thankful for the reminder that I do not meet all their needs. God does.
Thanks.
January 6th, 2010 at 12:17 pm
It might have been my husband’s email since it was published with PayPal…I sent it this time with my response in the mail “box”…Hope that helps!
January 6th, 2010 at 12:26 pm
What a wonderful post and something I think all mom’s struggle with at one time or another, I know I do. I would just like to add that my mother is the youngest of 15 (I’m only youngest of two) and I’ve never heard her say or even imply that she didn’t get enough Mom time. She also, as you can imagine, got heaps of attention from her older siblings.
For me personally I worry about the time when they are little going by so fast and that I’m the one losing out on that time with them, time that one doesn’t get back….
January 6th, 2010 at 12:30 pm
Okay my last comment made no sense! Can you say sleep deprived?!?!! Haha! Anyways…as I was saying……..I paid by PayPal so that would be my husband’s email which I put as the contact in the box for “Mail (will not be published) (required)” field in my last post and this post. So….I hope this comment makes sense! And it was 10/14/09…I looked it up on PayPal and have invoice # if needed…Just contact me by my email or my husband’s if you need it! Thanks!
January 6th, 2010 at 2:08 pm
Thanks for this post today… timely, probably for every mother everywhere! Half the time I don’t feel like I’m doing half of what I want to, which often even means school. I feel like if I’m staying on top of the house, something else gets neglected, or if we’re doing really well with school, then the housework goes. Or, my kids don’t get enough of my time in general. I know there are areas where I could be doing better with managing my time, but also I often expect that I can do about 30 hours worth of stuff in a 24 hour day… it just doesn’t work! I also have one child, of my three, who probably end up with 75% of my attention; sometimes I feel resentful about that. I try to be intentional about spreading out my time, but it’s very hard. I have to trust that God gave them to me with their varying personalities, and in just the right order.
I’ll stop rambling now. Really, just wanted to say thanks.
January 6th, 2010 at 2:12 pm
Rebeca-
I think a lot of working moms would be surprised to know that even we homeschooling moms, with our children 24/7, feel like somehow we’re not giving them enough. I do think this is the concern of moms everywhere, no matter the number of children or life circumstances.
~Kendra
January 6th, 2010 at 6:08 pm
Thanks, Kendra. It would have been so easy for you to short-change Jenn (us) & give her a list of tips or to-dos. I’m so glad that you instead reminded her (us) to rest in Christ!
January 6th, 2010 at 8:09 pm
This came at a great time. My youngest who just turned four, seems to be taking all of my attention because of his physical needs, infections etc., and I was just telling my 14 year old son that I felt that somehow I felt a couple of his sisters were being neglected, mainly my 12 year old daughter and 6 year old daughter. He asked me if he could watch his 4 year old brother on Saturday so that I would have time to spend with the girls….Mom of 8.
January 7th, 2010 at 6:29 am
Rebecca-
I have told my husband this on numerous
occasions-”If the house looks great, we didn’t get any worthwhile school done today. If the house is a wreck, your children will all be geniuses.”
Feelin’ your pain!
Dawn
January 7th, 2010 at 8:44 am
Becky- Yay for your insightful 14yo!
Rebecca- Funny!
January 7th, 2010 at 12:06 pm
Kendra, first I want to thank you for your thoughtful and helpful reply to my question.
And I have to agree with Heather — I needed that reminder to press in close to the Holy Spirit more than a new and better schedule!
Honestly sometimes it just helps to know I am not alone in this. Reading all the comments from others who feel the same lack I do was so helpful
I loved what you said about how the little ones add so much to our family life! Oh my, I cannot imagine life without them. Hilarity is *just* the right word. How many times have we postponed history because the baby is just too funny to ignore? Makes me laugh just thinking about it.
And yes, I grew up with just myself and one brother, and I can attest that you are right — even though they loved us dearly, and there was just the two of us, still my parents could not be enough. Wisdom! Thank you for the clarity on that important point. They need Jesus, even as children, even with loving parents, even with a solid home foundation — you are so right. I must do what I can do… and leave the rest in His capable hands.
Thank you.
January 7th, 2010 at 12:10 pm
Make that, there *were* just the two of us… ooohhh, hate grammar mistakes!
January 7th, 2010 at 8:12 pm
So, so timely! Just today tears streamed my face as I became overwhelmed with homeschooling 4 of my 5 and watching three of my neices daily! Literally feeling like I am not a good enough momma! Thank you again for pointing us to our Lord and for your encouraging post!
January 9th, 2010 at 7:08 pm
Oh how timely this post was. I have a house of littles – 7, 6, 4, 2 and 1. I have been struggling with this very question for several months now. Breaking down in tears several times over it. Questioning the call to homeschool, considering putting the olders in school. They each need so much and I just don’t have enough to give to them. Thank you so much for a perspective I had not considered, only Jesus is enough. It’s a comfort to know that I am not the only one struggling with this issue.
January 18th, 2010 at 7:07 am
wow I love this, it just goes to show that Jesus is the only answer! We always want the best for our kids, but we can’t be everything for them. Only He can!
January 22nd, 2010 at 11:57 am
Thank you, I really needed to hear that right now. I have a little guy who is so good natured that he is easy to ignore. I sometimes worry that he is not getting the interaction that he deserves. Thank you for helping me to see that I am not the only one who gives him interaction. You were a God Breeze into my life today.